Grief for Men: How to Deal With Loss When You're Used to Holding It In

Men deal with grief in many ways, and a lot of men grieve by doing: working on a project, staying busy, solving problems, or thinking it through alone rather than talking. That's a valid way to grieve. The key is to make sure "doing" includes some time to actually feel the loss, and to reach out if the weight isn't easing after several months.

If you've lost someone and you're holding it together for everyone else, you're probably tired in a way sleep doesn't fix. You don't have to fall apart to grieve, and you don't have to do it alone.

How do men deal with grief differently?

Grief researchers Kenneth Doka and Terry Martin describe a range of grieving styles. On one end is "intuitive" grief, which is mostly about expressing emotion. On the other is "instrumental" grief, which shows up as action and thought: building something, fixing things, exercising, getting the estate in order.

Writing in Social Work Today, social worker J. Scott Janssen notes that Doka and Martin found men in general seem more comfortable toward the instrumental end. Gender is only one factor, though, and most people blend the two styles.

So if you haven't cried much, it doesn't mean you didn't love them. It may mean your grief is coming out through your hands and your head. Janssen also points out the risk: when the doing becomes a way to avoid feeling anything at all, it can lead to isolation, bottled-up emotion or risky coping.

What does grief feel like for a man?

It's often not just sadness. The NHS lists common reactions such as shock and numbness, exhaustion, anger toward the person you've lost or the reason for the loss, and guilt about things said or not said.

Cleveland Clinic notes that loss is an extreme stressor that can take a major physical toll, including:

• Fatigue and trouble sleeping, or sleeping too much
• Headaches, an upset stomach or nausea
• Tightness in your chest or throat, or heart palpitations
• Changes in appetite
• Trouble focusing or making decisions

Many men also notice a short fuse, a pull toward more drinks at night, or the urge to throw themselves into work. Those are signs your grief is looking for a way out.

How long does grief last?

There's no set timeline. Cleveland Clinic notes that the American Psychological Association describes grief as lasting from six months to two years, with symptoms gradually improving over time. Grief also comes in waves. You can feel normal for days, then a song or a smell knocks you flat.

For some people, grief doesn't ease. The American Psychiatric Association estimates that 4% to 15% of bereaved adults develop prolonged grief disorder, where intense grief lasts and gets in the way of daily life. Mayo Clinic advises contacting a doctor or mental health professional if intense grief and trouble functioning don't improve at least a year after the loss.

Healthy ways for men to grieve

Use your strengths, and add a little of what doesn't come naturally.

Grieve through action

• Build or fix something in their memory: a bench, a garden bed, a project they never finished.
• Take on a cause they cared about. Run the race, raise money, volunteer.
• Move your body. The NHS notes that regular exercise can improve mood and may help you sleep better.

Give the feelings a little room

• Set a 15-minute window. Once a day, sit with a photo, a letter or a memory. Let whatever comes, come. Then go do something.
• Write instead of talk. A few lines in a notebook, or a letter to the person you lost, count as processing.
• Tell stories. Talking about the person ("Remember when he...") is often easier for men than talking about feelings, and it does similar work.

Keep your body steady

• Stick to a routine: same wake-up time, regular meals, a shower. Cleveland Clinic suggests counting each finished task as a win.
• Go easy on alcohol. The NHS advises against using alcohol, cigarettes, gambling or drugs to relieve grief because they can all contribute to poor mental health.

How to talk about grief when you don't want to

You don't need a big speech. Try one of these with someone you trust:

• "It's been a rough week. I keep thinking about Dad."
• "I don't really want to talk about it, but I'd like some company."
• "Can we grab a beer, or a coffee, and you just let me ramble about her for a bit?"

Side-by-side time helps here too. A drive, a round of golf or a long walk can make talking easier. Mayo Clinic notes that family, friends, support groups and your faith community can all help you work through grief.

When grief needs more help

Asking for help isn't something men do enough. A CDC report found that in 2019, 13.4% of men received any mental health treatment in the past year, compared with 24.7% of women. Reach out to a doctor, therapist or grief counselor if:

• You can't get through normal routines, like work, eating or sleeping, weeks or months after the loss
• You've had a low mood for more than two weeks that isn't lifting, which is when the NHS suggests seeing a doctor
• You feel numb, bitter or like life has no meaning without them
• You're drinking or using more to get through the day
• You wish you'd died with them or have thoughts of not wanting to be here

Treatment for prolonged grief, often based on cognitive behavioral therapy, has been found effective, according to the American Psychiatric Association. Our no-nonsense guide on how to find a therapist can help you take the first step. If you've lost your dad, read how to cope with the death of a father.

Some men carry a small reminder of the person they lost or of the promise to keep going. Our Mental Health collection is made for that: everyday pieces that remind you it's okay to not be okay, and okay to ask for help.

Frequently asked questions

Is it normal for men not to cry when grieving?

Yes. Many people, men especially, grieve more through action and thinking than tears. Not crying doesn't mean you didn't care. What matters is that you're processing the loss in some way instead of shutting it out completely.

Why am I so angry after a death?

Anger is a common grief reaction, according to the NHS. It can be aimed at the person you lost, doctors, family or yourself. Physical activity and talking it out can help release it safely.

Can grief make you physically sick?

Grief can cause real physical symptoms, including fatigue, headaches, stomach upset, chest tightness and sleep problems, according to Cleveland Clinic. If symptoms are severe or don't improve, see a doctor.

What is prolonged grief disorder?

It's a condition where intense grief lasts long after a loss and interferes with daily life. For adults, it can only be diagnosed when the loss happened at least a year ago. The American Psychiatric Association estimates it affects 4% to 15% of bereaved adults, and effective treatments exist.

Sources

• American Psychiatric Association: Prolonged Grief Disorder
• Mayo Clinic: Complicated grief, symptoms and causes
• Cleveland Clinic: Grief, types, symptoms and how to cope
• NHS: Get help with grief after bereavement or loss
• Social Work Today: Understanding the Way Men Grieve (J. Scott Janssen)
• CDC NCHS Data Brief No. 380: Mental Health Treatment Among Adults, United States, 2019
• SAMHSA National Helpline
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

This article is general information, not medical or mental health advice.