How to Check On a Friend Who's Struggling: What to Say and Do

Here's how to check on a friend who's struggling: reach out privately, name what you've noticed, ask how he's really doing, then listen without trying to fix it. Encourage one small next step, and check in again a few days later. You don't need the perfect words. You just need to show up.

Most men have had the thought "I should text him" and then let it slide. This guide gives you the exact words so you don't have to overthink it.

Why does checking on a friend matter so much?

A lot of men don't have many places to put the heavy stuff. In the Survey Center on American Life's 2021 friendship survey, only 21% of men said they had received emotional support from a friend in the past week, compared with 41% of women. Only 25% of men said they had told a friend they loved them in the past week.

That gap is where a text from you can land. The #BeThe1To campaign, from the team behind the 988 Lifeline, points to research showing that connectedness is a protective factor that can buffer hopelessness and psychological pain. You don't have to solve anything to matter.

How do you know a friend needs a check-in?

You won't always get a clear signal. Look for changes from his normal:

• He's gone quiet in the group chat or keeps canceling plans.
• He seems angrier, more irritable or more checked out than usual.
• He's drinking more, or every hangout now revolves around drinking.
• He's dealing with a big hit: breakup, divorce, job loss, a death, money trouble, a new baby.
• He makes jokes about not caring what happens to him, or about being a burden.

For a fuller list, see our article on the 12 signs a man is struggling. Honestly, though, you don't need a reason. Checking in when things are fine makes it easier when they're not.

What's the best way to check on a friend? Use ALEC

Movember recommends a simple framework called ALEC, developed by the Australian charity R U OK?: Ask, Listen, Encourage action, Check in.

1. Ask

Pick a private moment and a low-pressure setting. Side-by-side works well for a lot of men: a drive, a walk, a workout, fixing something.

• "Hey man, you haven't seemed like yourself lately. How are you actually doing?"
• "You've been quiet in the chat. Everything good at home?"
• "I know things have been a lot since the layoff. How are you holding up?"

If he says "I'm good," it's okay to ask once more: "Okay. But really, how are you?" That second ask often opens the door.

2. Listen

This is the hard part, because most of us want to fix things. Movember's advice is to stay with the conversation however it goes. You're there to hear him, not to solve his problems.

• Put the phone down and give him your full attention.
• Ask follow-ups: "How long has it felt like this?" "What's been the hardest part?"
• Reflect back: "That sounds exhausting."
• Let silence happen. Don't fill it with advice or your own story.

3. Encourage action

Once he's talked, gently move toward one next step. Open questions work better than orders. Movember suggests questions like these:

• "Are you getting enough sleep?"
• "What's helped in the past when things got like this?"
• "Have you spoken to anyone else about this?"

If he's been feeling low for a couple of weeks or more, encourage him to see a doctor or counselor. Offer to help: "Want me to sit with you while you call?" Our guide on how to find a therapist can make that step easier.

4. Check in

Follow up in a few days. #BeThe1To notes that studies have linked follow-up contact with fewer suicide deaths among high-risk people, and that even brief, caring contact may help.

• "Thinking about you. How's this week going?"
• "Still on for wings Thursday?"
• "Did you get a chance to call that doctor?"

What should you not say to a struggling friend?

• "Man up" or "Just push through." It tells him his pain is weakness.
• "Others have it worse." True or not, it shuts the door.
• "Just think positive." If it were that easy, he'd already be doing it.
• "I know exactly how you feel." Try "I can't know exactly, but I want to understand."
• "I'll keep this between us," no matter what. If his safety is at risk, you'll need to bring in help.

What if he mentions suicide?

Stay calm and stay with him. The #BeThe1To steps give a clear path:

1. Ask directly: "Are you thinking about suicide?" Research summarized by #BeThe1To shows asking does not increase suicidal thoughts.
2. Be there: In person or on the phone. Only promise what you can actually do.
3. Help keep him safe: Help put time and distance between him and anything he could use to hurt himself, such as asking a trusted person to hold on to firearms for a while.
4. Help him connect: Call or text 988 together, or chat at 988lifeline.org. Veterans can dial 988 then press 1.
5. Follow up: Keep checking in after the crisis passes.

Never promise to keep thoughts of suicide a secret. If he's in immediate danger, call 911. Our guide to suicide warning signs covers more.

What if you're not close, or you live far away?

You don't have to be his best friend to make a difference. A coworker, teammate, cousin or old buddy can still reach out.

• Text first if a call feels like too much: "Been thinking about you, man. How's life treating you?"
• Use a shared interest: "Watching the game Sunday? Call me at halftime."
• Set a recurring check-in: A monthly call or weekly text thread with a few friends.
• Loop in someone closer if you're worried and can't be there yourself.

How do you look after yourself while helping?

Supporting someone can be heavy. You can care a lot and still have limits.

• Share the load with other friends or family when it's safe to do so.
• Talk to someone yourself, whether a friend, a counselor, or 988.
• Remember you are a bridge to help, not the whole bridge.

If you want a nudge to keep reaching out, our Mental Health collection includes the "Not Weak. Human." hat and wallet. It's a reminder on your head or in your pocket, and sometimes a conversation starter with the guy next to you.

Frequently asked questions

What do you text a friend who is struggling?

Keep it short, specific and low pressure. Try: "Hey, been thinking about you. You've seemed a bit off lately. How are you really doing? No pressure to reply right away." Then follow up in a few days if you don't hear back.

How do you check on a friend without being awkward?

Do it during something you'd normally do together, like a drive, a game or a workout, so it doesn't feel like an intervention. Name one thing you've noticed and ask an open question. A little awkward is fine; it shows you care.

What if my friend says he's fine but I don't believe him?

Ask once more gently: "Okay, but really, how are you?" If he still doesn't want to talk, respect it and say, "I'm here whenever." Keep showing up and check in again soon.

When should I get professional help involved?

Encourage a doctor or counselor if he's been struggling for a couple of weeks or more, or if it's affecting his work, sleep or relationships. If he mentions suicide, call or text 988 together right away, and call 911 if he's in immediate danger.

Sources

• Movember: How to have a conversation about mental health (ALEC)
• #BeThe1To: The 5 Action Steps and the evidence behind them
• Survey Center on American Life: The State of American Friendship (2021)
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
• Veterans Crisis Line
• Crisis Text Line

This article is general information, not medical or mental health advice.